It all began nearly 5 years ago, when we moved back to Virginia. Since neither Martin or I had jobs when we first moved back here, we both applied for jobs, and Martin was offered one first. However, being a computer software consultant was not his vocational calling, and so within 2 years he applied for a job as a Bible Teacher at Western Mennonite School in Oregon. The Bible teacher ended up not retiring after all. Soon after this possibility fell through, we moved closer to the Early Church community in order to become more fully engaged with the life and ministry of the church. This was a rich experience, but we soon realized that the intensity of community life required too much time and energy for us as a family with 3 small children. A year ago Martin applied for the same Bible teaching position in Oregon, but this time the school was not able to afford another faculty member due to a reduction in enrollment numbers. Martin was offered two different pastorate positions recently, but neither of these seemed to be where God was leading. And throughout these 5 years, I applied for various social work positions and was offered a couple of different jobs, but none of them "felt right" or "fit right".
Since beginning our family, I have fought against staying at home full-time. I've resisted the stereotype of the traditional "wife stays at home while the husband puts bread on the table" roles. And frankly, I need intellectual, social, and professional stimulation in addition to my job as a mom. I've fought against settling down in the same community that I grew up in. It felt stifling and repressive. I fought against staying in this house, since the initial reason we bought this place and moved here didn't work out. I thought this place would never seem "ours", or that I didn't have the energy to keep up such a large place.
At various times and at differing levels of intensity, these past 5 years have seemed like a lot of aimless action and chatter. But I'm learning to
be still, to be centered and focused on God. I'm learning to submit to God even amidst the unknown and when things don't make sense. The submission is not a passive act. There is discipline, prayer, trust, commitment.
Maybe it's the way I'm put together, or maybe it's simply the way of spiritual growth, but I'm realizing that in the struggle and resisting, I've come to surrender to, to embrace, and to own that which I've fought against. I'm learning that time is of the essence when transformation is happening. Change and growth cannot be forced. And the waiting is not passive; there is restlessness, struggle, confusion, questions. That's when the metamorphosis happens. And God is faithful...God will restore wholeness and beauty to His creation.
This has been a journey, and it continues. I cannot fully articulate what exactly happened in this transformation, except that it is the mysterious work of the Holy Spirit. I'm still discerning the shape of my vocation, but if I've learned anything these past 5 years, it is that
God will lead, and the path will become more clear at the proper time. But now, I live freely and purposefully in this house with my family, with my church, and in this community. I surrender gladly. I am filled with Peace.
P.S. A song that expresses well this experience of mine is Josh Garrels
Farther Along .
An excerpt from Martin's recent email to family:
I (Martin) am taking a full-time position with Virginia Mennonite Missions (VMMissions). Half of my time will be spent as a Missionary Support Teams Coach. In this work, I will meet with, teach and equip Missionary Support Teams as they work with the long term missionaries that they are sending. My other work will be as a Short Term Missions Coach in which I will recruit, train, and mentor persons with an interest in missions as they discern their call, are sent, and return. I am very much looking forward to this change and feel that this work is well suited to my calling and gifts.
